Birds, Plumbers,Celebs and Weight Loss

  The Mating Debate: A Study in Monogamy and Mayhem The IV drip had been replaced. Lady Gaga had been given a sandwich, which she was eating with the suspicious caution of someone who hadn't consumed a carb since 2013. Kevin the king parrot had been moved from his temporary cage to a slightly larger temporary cage, procured from the paediatric ward after a tearful negotiation with a six-year-old named Matilda, who had been promised a new hamster. And the argument had shifted. It started, as these things always did, with Alistair Finch saying something that no one had asked him to say. "The fascinating thing about king parrots," he announced, "is not just their lifespan. It's their mating habits. They mate for life. For life , Benny. Do you understand the implications of that?" Benny, who had been trying to sneak out of the room for the past ten minutes, stopped in his tracks. "Please don't—" "They mate for life," Alistair repeated, lo...

  The Lifespan Debates: A Parliamentary Inquiry into Avian Longevity The shattered window had been boarded up. The king parrot had been placed in a temporary cage procured from the paediatric ward (donated by a child who had been promised a new one). Lady Gaga had been propped up on pillows, her IV drip still running, her sunglasses back on her face despite the fact that the room was dimly lit and there was no paparazzi present. And the argument had begun. It started innocently enough. Dr. Alistair Finch, still clutching his stack of papers, had positioned himself at the foot of Lady Gaga's bed like a barrister addressing a jury. "The king parrot," he announced, "can live for up to thirty years in captivity. Thirty years. That's longer than most celebrities stay famous." "I resent that," Lady Gaga murmured from the bed. "It's not an insult," Alistair said. "It's a statistical observation. The average pop star's relevance...

  The Fame Monster: A Surgical Serenade Three days later, the hospital had almost returned to normal. Almost. The king parrot had been relocated to the hospital garden, where it had established a small but loyal following of patients who threw it chips and called it "Kevin." The lorikeets had followed. The cockatoos had followed the lorikeets. The rosellas had followed the cockatoos. The hospital garden was now a functioning, if chaotic, avian ecosystem. Nurse Gladys had declared it "someone else's problem" and refused to discuss it further. Dr. Alistair Finch had been placed on administrative leave pending a psychiatric evaluation. Dr. Benny O'Connell had been given a formal warning for "unprofessional conduct involving poultry." Dr. Timothy Pratt had been reassigned to the morgue, where it was hoped he would have less opportunity to feed wildlife. He had already been caught leaving a biscuit near a specimen fridge. And then Lady Gaga was admitted...