The Great Rosella vs Lorikeet Debate:

 The Great Rosella-Lorikeet Debate: A Four-Pint Analysis

The Bitter Twitcher was unusually crowded for a Thursday, which meant the three regulars had been forced into the snug — a cramped little room with a fireplace that hadn't worked since the Howard government and a portrait of a sulphur-crested cockatoo that someone had drawn a monocle on. Arthur, Gerald, and Bernard sat shoulder to shoulder, four pints deep, and the argument had begun the way all their arguments began: with someone saying something completely indefensible and everyone else refusing to let it go.

"Rosellas," Arthur announced, "are smarter than lorikeets."

Gerald choked on his beer. "Based on what?"

"Based on the fact that a rosella will look you in the eye and know you're an

idiot. A lorikeet will just scream and land on your head."

"That's not intelligence," Bernard said. "That's judgement. And frankly, the lorikeet's approach is more honest."

And so it began.

Part One: Which Is Smarter?

"Eastern rosellas," Arthur said, "can learn to open complex latch mechanisms. They solve puzzles. They remember individual humans for years. There was a study—"

"There was no study," Gerald interrupted. "You read a blog."

"It was a peer-reviewed blog."

Bernard, who had once spent six months rehabilitating a rainbow lorikeet named Kevin, shook his head. "You're both wrong. Lorikeets are smarter in the way that matters. They've figured out humans. A rosella keeps its distance and acts superior. A lorikeet walks right up to you, looks adorable, and gets fed. That's not stupidity — that's a business model."

Australian bird guide - Rosella vs the Lorikeet

"Kevin bit you seventeen times," Gerald said.

"Kevin was negotiating."

Arthur slammed his glass down. "Rosellas have larger brains relative to body size. That's measurable."

"So do dolphins," Bernard said, "and they still get caught in tuna nets."

The verdict, after twenty minutes of increasingly slurred debate: rosellas were smarter in the laboratory, lorikeets were smarter in the real world, and Bernard's Kevin had been smarter than all three of them combined.

Part Two: Which Is More Colourful?

This one nearly ended the friendship.

"Crimson rosella," Arthur said, with the reverence of a man describing a religious experience. "Red, blue, black, white. A colour palette that would make a Renaissance painter weep. It's composed. It's deliberate."

"It's four colours," Bernard said. "A rainbow lorikeet has every colour that exists. It has colours that don't exist. I've seen a lorikeet that was so green it made my eyes hurt."

"That's not colour," Arthur said. "That's a paint factory explosion."

"Nature's not subtle," Gerald conceded, "but the lorikeet isn't trying to be subtle. The rosella is trying to be tasteful. The lorikeet is trying to be seen from space. And in a country where everything wants to eat you, being seen from space is a strategy."

"Rosellas are more colourful," Arthur insisted.

"They're more elegant," Gerald corrected. "Colourful is the lorikeet. Elegant is the rosella. These are different things."

Bernard raised his glass. "To elegance, then. And to looking like a rainbow vomited on a bird."

They drank.

Part Three: Which Is More Friendly?

"Rosellas are shy," Gerald said. "They'll come to a bird feeder, but they'll leave if you look at them wrong. They're not pets. They're guests."

"Lorikeets," Bernard said, "will land on your arm, your shoulder, your head, and — on one memorable occasion — my ear. They have no concept of personal space. They think everyone is their friend until proven otherwise."

"Is that friendliness or lack of self-preservation?" Arthur asked.

"Does it matter?"

There was a pause. Arthur conceded that a lorikeet had once sat on his hat for forty-five minutes, and that it had been, in its way, a meaningful experience.

"Rosellas are more loyal," Arthur said. "Pair-bonded. Monogamous. They stay together."

"Lorikeets also pair-bond."

"Yes, but rosellas do it with dignity."

Part Four: Who Eats More? Who Eats Less?

This was the only part with a clear answer.

"Rosellas are seed-eaters," Gerald said. "They crack things open. They take their time. They eat like gentlemen."

"Lorikeets eat nectar," Bernard said. "Which means they have to eat constantly. Their whole lives are one endless meal. They've evolved a tongue like a brush just to hoover up sugar. They drink their own body weight in nectar every day. They're basically hummingbirds with attitude."

"So they eat more," Arthur said.

"Vastly more."

"And yet they're smaller."

"They burn it all off screaming."

Gerald, who had been quiet, cleared his throat. "Actually, the rosella eats less because it's more efficient. It extracts more nutrition per seed. The lorikeet is a sugar addict. The rosella is a professional."

"So the rosella eats less," Bernard said.

"Correct."

"And the lorikeet eats more."

"Also correct."

"Then why," Bernard demanded, "is the lorikeet the one that always looks like it's just won the lottery?"

Nobody could answer that.

The Final Question: Which Is Better?

They sat in silence for a long time. The fire remained broken. The cockatoo with the monocle stared down at them.

"Rosellas," Arthur said finally, "are better. They're smarter, more elegant, more dignified, and they know how to keep a secret."

"Lorikeets," Bernard said, "are better. They're braver, friendlier, more colourful, and they've figured out that life is short and you should spend it eating sugar and standing on people's hats."

Gerald finished his beer and set it down with the finality of a judge's gavel.

"You're both wrong," he said. "The better bird is whichever one shows up when you're having a bad day. And in my experience, that's usually the lorikeet. Because the rosella's too busy being tasteful to notice you're sad."

Arthur opened his mouth to argue, then closed it.

Bernard nodded slowly. "Kevin would have noticed."

"He bit you seventeen times."

"He noticed every time."

And somewhere outside, in the dark Australian night, a rainbow lorikeet screamed at nothing in particular, and a crimson rosella sat quietly in a tree, watching, and being right.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosella

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_lorikeet